OrIgInAl NePhiLim

Mar 13, 2005

Death phase 1

How do you know when you are dying?

Posted at 12:42 pm by Proto-Nephilim
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Mar 12, 2005

::Exhale, Attack, Run::

::EXHALE::

I’m spending way to many Friday nights with Shannon right? I agree… This was a total exception though, she really truly needed me! She called me and I hadn’t spoke to her in a couple of days, me and the crew had left message after message on her phone just to check up on her and she said she got them, but just hasn’t been answering the phone. I told her like I tell anyone that suffers or maybe depression creeps up once in a while, that she has the power to fight it. She said sometimes it’s so hard and I said then call me and we will fight it together.. So last night was her call! Me and my people had went to the movies and was about to head to a party, but I told them to just go on. Again like all the other nights I just held her. This time it felt even better then before and I realized this morning when I got home why.. All the other times I can admit, I was there for me… I needed to feel some kind of comfort. This time she needed something and it feels good to know I gave it to her. I haven’t felt like I have made someone happy in along time.

::Attack:: Trojan Horse

I think my friend Michael is trying to sabotage my so called relationship, but maybe he is right. It’s just lately he has been really having the need to do some “group” activities and he knows I am not down! (Why do I love so hard, so much?) He’s been pointing out reasons why he thinks I should break up with her, he asked if I still loved her and before I could answer he says probably not. I wonder if he is just in it for self?? I know he cares about me, but I just don’t think he realizes how much I love her. I cleared it up for him.. I still love her as I remember her, if she has changed I can’t be sure… But I loved the old her so much that if she has changed, I’ll change to love the new!

Hold up hold up, I know I am not going to let this girl have me so messed up I am questioning the loyalty of my friends. FUCK THAT!

::Run:: Family Reunion

The other day I really had my father on my mind, I should have went by there and seen him. Strangest thing the night I had published the entry “ 20 Thoughts “ Where thought “8” was about him.. I had a dream later on that he tried to shoot me. I don’t believe he is trying to kill me, but I do have me suspicions about what it means.. The thing is he tried to shoot me and missed. He had 5 kids.. He’s problem tore them completely apart. They were children and their father was nothing.. When I came along most of my brothers and sisters were grown and so I had them to take care of me and not have to depend on him. He was still same ole daddy and so I think that the dream meant he tried to get to me too.. To tare me down, but he missed! I can truly say out of all my brothers and sisters… I’ve had it best because of them! They will never read this, but I just wanna send out a thank you, Alison, Bill, Sean, Melody, and Myra thanx!

You know last night I had a dream about my mother, that we were talking again… I remember in the dream I couldn’t believe I had gave in! Who knows what that means.

Posted at 11:55 am by Proto-Nephilim
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Mar 9, 2005

20 Thoughts

Thought 1: Why does chines food always taste better the next day?

2: Will I ever been completely happy with myself?

3: I've been talking to someone that the "Slayer" would be pissed off about, but it is all harmless.. I would tell her if I knew she could handle it, it's not like I am trying to hide anything from her.

4: I wonder if she will ever love me as much as I love her.

5: That Amerie girl is fine as hell and I don't even do Korean like that. (No offense to anyone)

6: I have been so horny lately.

7: I think I am a failure at life in general.

8: I wonder what made my dad hurt so much that he drank all the time. He had a good job, wife, kids, friends... What made him hurt so much that he tried to kill it with alcohol.

9: Why does things new always seem better.

10: WoW I am talking to the person that I shouldn't be talking to right now and she has me horny.. For no reason at all, it might be because I have been drinking.

11: I miss my niece and nephew.

12: I love my job!

13: I'm just way to gay... Really, I am just way to gay!

14: Ahhhhhhhhh

15: I miss my mom, we haven't talked in 3 months.

16: I am a fucking whore.

17: I miss school.

18: I miss singing, performing, preparing!

19: I'm gonna fuck up

20: Whats up with me using the word fuck.

Posted at 02:07 am by Proto-Nephilim
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Mar 7, 2005

Right? No wrong!

So.. Here we go! I spent Friday night with Shannon again. Wait wait wait, I took some reinforcements this time. A temptation breaker at least I thought... My friend Michael! I said to myself, nothing will happen if he is here right? WRONG!

Well, me and Shannon had been fighting (just joking of course) over who could get "crunker" and she was all like "your to shy, I can get crunker " and shit and I was all like "catch me on a good day and I will show you something" we got over our little fight and some idiot comes up with the idea of lets all sleep naked! Then she goes "we can't you know Amanda is not going to do it" So me having to keep my title.. I strip! After me everyone else follows.

Me and Shannon are just laying there in the dark, only the street light is shinning in and she decides she's not sleepy... She feels like dancing. She starts dancing right in front of me, birthday suit and all. She says can I give you a lap dance.. No harm in a dance right? WRONG!

Think about it... I am laying down, she's giving me a lap dance and we are both completely naked. If I was a guy... That would have been called sex! Well, I make her stop and she was pissed and got right in my face and says "Why do you continue to tease me like this" Well, I never saw that coming and I really didn't know what to tell her.

You see she doesn't know about "The Slayer"! She has asked and she is the only person I have changed the subject with and it's not so much that I feel something with her, but she came around at the RIGHT/WRONG time. She gives me that intimacy I am missing in my relationship, like she really cares. Like I said, me and my baby have been going through it lately, I wanted to see her Friday, but she didn't want to see me, my girl didn't want to see me. Isn't that strange?But when Shannon asked "Why do you continue to tease me like this" I didn't say, but in my mind the only answer I could come up with is because I love Elisha. Believe me when I say that karma shit really does come back around.. I remember I had my heart so harden and I would play with girls like they were action figures.. Now I am mother fucking GI-Jo. HOW IN THE HELL did that happen? It's crazy, just crazy! Why do I continue to put myself through this? I knew the risk that I took and I didn't care because I wanted her to be mine, but if you asked me would I have made the same desision, would I do it all over again knowing what I know now??? HELL YES! Because I wake up every morning and lay down everynight thinking about Elisha.

Posted at 02:43 am by Proto-Nephilim
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Mar 1, 2005

I've been a bad bad girl

I have this friend that I use to flirt with all the time.. We didn’t really do much, she had a boyfriend, I just wasn’t really THAT MUCH interested. Well, for a couple of months we didn’t really speak.. Nothing major just didn’t communicate that much. Bout a month ago she called, we caught up and now we are cool. She is no longer with ole dude and tables are completely turned.. She’s flirting and I am with someone. Yes.. Of course we all know in the time she was off doing her modeling thing and being with her “MAN” Amanda tripped up and fell in love. Kind of ironic.. So me and her have been spending a lot of time together just friends you know.. But she asked me to spend the night with her bout a week ago and I could see it in her eyes.. I could see the “want” anybody with common sense would run from temptation right? Me being me.. I accepted the invitation.. My relationship has been seriously rocky.. It’s been crazy! So later on that night Shannon (my friend girl) starts her talking.. And telling me how she has always wondered what it would be like to be with me, she said all the right things, the right way, at the right time.. Physically I wanted her so bad, I could feel my body trembling and hers as we laid down beside each other, but emotionally.. My heart was somewhere else, so I just held her. WHAT THE FUCK? Why?? Michael said I was to faithful am I? Because Shannon is a nice piece of art and that would have been a good opportunity. Who cares.. That’s all I could do was hold her, I just needed to feel like someone cared, wanted, needed me and holding her I felt that.

Posted at 03:13 am by Proto-Nephilim
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Feb 28, 2005

She completes me.

The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
To the night and the empty skies my love
To the night and the empty skies

The first time ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth turn in my hand
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command my love
That was there at my command

The first time ever I lay with you and felt your heart beat close to mine
I thought our joy would fill the earth
And would last 'till the end of time my love
And would last 'till the end of time

The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
To the night and the empty skies my love
To the night and the empty skies

Posted at 11:27 am by Proto-Nephilim
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Feb 17, 2005

Darkness so thick you can feel.

There ain't no sunshine when shes gone, it's just darkness every day.. There ain't no sunshine when shes gone and shes always gone to long every time she goes away.
And
I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know
A leave that young thang along, but there ain't no sunshine when shes gone!

Posted at 11:43 pm by Proto-Nephilim
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Feb 11, 2005

T.K.O.

Me and my sister are fighting.. I have five siblings and everyone is on her side. You know.. arguing with family then friends is a lot harder. When friends aren't there which is way to often... There is family... In my family anyway, we are all very close and I am sure that they probably feel they are in the right.. So why do I get so angry? Because they are right? I got a feeling this one is gonna be bad though... I got a feeling that this might be a serious fight. They say I like to fight, that's not the case at all.. It hurts me to fight, but I hate to made a fool of... To seem like I am ignorant, so I have to get my point across. I feel like crying and I probably will in a few seconds.. It takes to much out of you to have to push away the ones you love. ::: inhaling::: it hurts ::: exhaling:: We need a ref, but like I said.. All my family are on her side. So I must be wrong right? But like the good book says "If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything."

Posted at 12:21 am by Proto-Nephilim
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Feb 6, 2005

Save by the text!

I'm about to slip

I'm slipping

I'm almost gone

I'm slidding

WoW she caught me!

YaY!

People I almost slipped, but it was all good because I know where my mind and heart is. That's peoples problem in relationships they don't think about where their heart is, I know where mine belongs and where I want it to stay. Even though I used a tool to communicate with my sweety.. I don't even need that to ::slap:: me back in reality when I feel I am going astray, I just think about her. She is so smart and pretty. I really have found something special... How many people do you know that is fine as hell and has personality also? She doesn't know, but before I met her.. I was thinking about trying to give up this "life style" if possible, she's what I have always dreamed of having and I never thought that would come. How is this possible? I m willing and ready to make some drastic changes in my life, but I doubt she is ready.. I might mention it to her later on though.

I notice lately I have abandoned the other parts of my life and only talking about my queen... It's because she is the predominate thing on my mind. But lets talk about my friend Michael for a second. Just to give a little history I'll set out a age line for ya.

Michael

Age 12: Friend
Age 13-15 : Boy friend
Age 16- 19: Best friend
Age 19-21: Bisexual, to gay, versatile top, queen sista, FRIEND (not best friend, just friend)

When have been through it all together... sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll. But lately... I have a bad feeling, I just don't feel the vibe I used to. I think we both get pissed when we feel we are loosing to much of the others time and attention. When something or someone else jumps in the picture.. we begin to drift, but there has been some situations recently and I have decided me and him will NEVER be the same. Letting people go is one of the hardest things to do.. If it comes down to that, to letting him go... I'm not sure if I will make it through, he's been there so long. But I don't need him if he is bringing me down right?

Posted at 02:29 pm by Proto-Nephilim
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Feb 5, 2005

I gotta A+

I REALLY REALLY LOVE HER
We are not fighting anymore.. We can never stay mad for long.
What have I gotten myself into? Night and day she is all I think about. I know everyone is out there thinking: "Will she please stop talking about this girl" I know I know... Your bitter because of your life.. It's okay. But don't worry I'll be depressed about something soon and will publish a entry out there for you!

I gotta jump off of here so I will leave you with a little poetry I just made up

Not much to say
I'm just way to gay
so I'll walk away
until another day!

LoL!!

Posted at 05:04 pm by Proto-Nephilim
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